20 More Days and I am done with Chemo

Wow,  I cannot believe February has come!  I can remember so clearly the day Adam and I were in the doctor's office and he was giving us my chemo treatment plan and telling us that if all went well we would end on February 24.  It seemed like such a long way away and now it is almost here (only three treatments left).  I really couldn't even do a blog post in January because nothing was changing and the monotony of it all just seemed a little depressing when I tried to write about it.  I guess there were two changes that I could have mentioned, one good,  and one not so good.  First my hair started to grow back.  One day about three weeks ago I took of my hat and Adam noticed some very fine, very white peach fuzz all over my head.  We tried to get a picture, but it was too fine.  Still it was very exciting.  The hair has continued to grow and the nurses say that not everyone loses their hair with the drug Taxol which is the drug I am receiving every week and luckily I am in that category. My brown hair has started to come in as well which makes it a little easier to see in pictures.

What a strange (but very wonderful) thing that my hair will just keep filling in.  I am curious how long it will take to want to just go around with super short hair without a hat.  ( I am not there yet)

The other new development, is that my eyebrows which had stayed in pretty nicely during the A/C chemo treatments fell out during the Taxol treatments.  I think this is strange that the hair on top of my head would come in, while the hair above my eyebrows fell out, but what can you do.

I realize that there are still a few hairs hanging in there, but for the most part they are gone.  I have an eyebrow pencil that I use to fill in the eyebrows whenever I go anywhere, but one day I looked up in the mirror and I must have rubbed my eyebrow or something because there was a definite hole in the middle of the pencil mark.  I just took it all off thinking it would be better to have no eyebrow, than an incomplete eye brow.  I also lost most of my eye lashes.  My neighbor told me her Mom's eyebrows never grew back, so fingers crossed that in March I will have eyebrow hair again.  All in all I just feel like a very puffy, hairless person walking around and I am getting very excited to be done.

I do have to say that I am still extremely grateful for the way I have been able to handle the treatments.  Each visit the nurses ask questions about all the possible side effects to see if I have started to have any and I am reminded of how blessed I have been to have so few.

Thanks for Remembering Me!

I have to sneak a selfie of myself in the treatment room to document what number chemo treatment I am on - so funny angle, but does show we are making progress!  Only 65 days to go until I am done with chemo (9 treatments left)

I came home from my treatment last night to a wonderful meal prepared by a former neighbor.  After dinner a friend and her daughter stopped by to drop off beautiful and delicious sweet bread twists, and then when we got the mail there was a letter that included a hand written picture or note from each member of an amazing family that we love here in Beaverton, and a gift from a couple in Utah who know my parents and had just heard about me.  There is no way I can share all the things people have done for me and my family, so I was not even going to try because I didn't want anyone to feel left out of the thanks, but I am so overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness that keeps coming our way.  The consistency and longevity of the thoughtful gestures have made me feel so loved and remembered and I just had to say thanks.

I can so clearly remember the day I was diagnosed with cancer.  I was sitting on my bed and I was supposed to wait for the phone call telling me the results of the biopsy, but I just couldn't wait and called the oncology office.  The breast cancer navigator got on the phone and told me the news.  I remember looking up at the ceiling a saying in a silent prayer to my Heavenly Father, "Will you stay with me?"  Right then I received a very peaceful feeling, but I had no idea what "staying with me" would look like.  I now know that Heavenly Father is "staying with me" through my wonderful friends, neighbors, and family.  The fact that through this busy season you have not forgotten me and that on almost every letter, the words, "we are praying for you," appear is such a gift to me.  The past couple weeks as I have gone in for my Taxol treatment, Larry (the nurse) asks what my side effects have been that week.  I just keep telling him that I am not experiencing any side effects besides a little extra tiredness and shortness of breath.  I do not take this for granted.  I take this as a gift that is coming because of the prayers in my behalf from so many people.  Sunday, I saw a little video about the gift of Christmas that I would just like to share.  I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and receives the intangible gifts that bring joy.

He is the Gift - a short Christmas message of hope and joy :)

First Taxol Treatment Went Well!

The Saturday before my treatment I got up on the roof and put up our Christmas lights.  I felt like I was showing cancer who was boss as I was doing it.  I am not sure who I feel the character of cancer is that I was taunting in my mind while I was up on the roof, but I had a true feeling of victory while I was up there.

Tuesday, (Dec 9) was my first of twelve weekly taxol treatments.  I was pretty nervous about them because I just did not know what to expect.  Last Wednesday we had a wonderful Christmas dinner and program for the ladies in our church and the songs and thoughts people shared calmed me a little but I was still surprised how much stress I was feeling about the new treatment.  Sunday I woke up early and couldn't sleep, so I looked at the original sources a couple of the ladies had used for their thoughts.   Both spoke on the gifts offered by the Savior and how they are available to us if we just accept them.  Feelings of peace, calm, and comfort were some of the gifts mentioned and reading both talks really calmed me down.  Both of these talks were originally given by the same person and have great thoughts on Christmas and how to really enjoy the season, more than on how to handle cancer treatments so I am including the links below for anyone who needs a little quiet reminder of what the season should be all about :)

 Of Curtains, Contentment, and Christmas
The Good and Grateful Receiver

Anyway, although I felt more calm, I was still surprised at the physical reaction I had as I drove into the medical center parking lot.  I started to feel a little nauseous just parking and walking in.  We had Larry as our nurse again, which was very nice.  He is just such a calm person and remembered us from our first treatment (which could be good or bad).  Because it was a new drug we had to listen to all the possible side effects and problems that could occur, but with this drug it seems like most of the problems would occur during the administration of the drug, with very little happening once we got home.  Larry explained that I am receiving four rounds of taxol, but they have split it up into twelve treatments so each time I only receive a third of the drug and this greatly reduces the side effects.

In order to see how my body would react to the administration of the drug, they slowed it down and gave what is usually an hour long drip, in just under two hours.  They also checked my blood pressure every 15 minutes and made sure I wasn't having any chest pain, severe and sudden onset back aches, a sudden flushed face or any pain or strange sensations near my port.  Luckily none of these things occurred and we came home.  I was tired more from the stress of the day than from the drugs and just went to bed.  Yesterday I woke up and felt great.  I am not nauseous at all!  I even had some chocolate chips for breakfast just to test out how well I was feeling, and nothing happened :)

They did say that after a few weeks of the treatment I could experience a tingling sensation at my fingertips and in my toes that could progressively get worse and cause temporary nerve damage and I could also start to have deep muscle and bone aches, so that's still something to look forward to.  But, they also reassured me that this does not happen to everyone and I could be just fine.   I asked if exercise would make these things worse and Larry said it wouldn't hurt anything and could make it better, so I did yoga yesterday and jogged on the treadmill and tried to go running today which turned more into a walk because I am a little tired from yesterday, but I just feel I have to keep it up to keep the muscle pain away and the nerves intact.  Overall I just feel so happy to feel well and drink water again and not have the metal taste in my mouth that I don't think I will mind spending a few hours each week at the clinic and hopefully the "anticipation nausea" (that's what Larry called my reaction to the clinic) will go away.

Last of the first 4 rounds.

This is Adam - finally today we had the last round of the "AC" drugs.  These are rough drugs that have really knocked out Kristy for a week - this is the last time, then in 2 weeks we move to a weekly drug that makes one more tired instead of nauseous.

As her husband it is so strange - Kristy is up and active and then we get the chemo drugs ...about 1 to 2 hours later Kristy just starts to fade.  I was in sorting some clothes tonight and Kristy wandered in to try to help.  She was standing, then she was sitting on a bean bag, then she was horizontal and then starting to doze all in a 5 minute span at about 5 pm.

She had acupuncture yesterday and they switched one of the nausea drugs so I am very hopeful she will feel better than the last 3 rounds.

At this Thanksgiving time, I am thankful to be around such a wonderful friend and partner in life.  It is good to be near Kristy.  As I was doing things around the house, each of the children came in from school and checked in with her.  Kristy was tired but alert and talked with each one of them.  It is strange and wonderful how close this is pulling our family together.   Her sister and husband and their kids are coming to spend time with our kids.  Kristy will rest and be happy knowing our kids are having time with their cousins.

The Power of Good Friends (or even kind acquaintances willing to listen)

I am feeling well again, and it is a marvelous thing.  I am so grateful to the amazing women who I have come across in the past couple days who have listened, laughed, cried and most of all just let me talk and talk and talk until I got all my stories out.  I have been blessed with amazing friends.  The temple Tuesday ladies, a sister and many sisters-in-law, neighbors, sisters from church, a fabulous primary care doctor (and MA), a mother and mother-in-law and just wonderful women I have met through my kids sports teams, book club and other activities.  This past week I have had the chance to visit with many of you, some planned visits, but mostly spontaneous encounters and you have let me talk and talk and talk and get out all my frustrations and blessings and good and bad moments, and I just need to thank you.  What a gift from a loving God who is aware of my needs and is sending women my way to lift me up and give me hope.

A few really hard days

I think I have finally felt the full effects of chemo.  Up until this past week my treatments have been hard, but pretty manageable.  Suddenly, this weekend I came up against symptoms I was not prepared for.  For some reason I got a terrible headache on Friday night that would not go away.  At first I thought it was just because I had been laying down so much and had a kink in my neck, but after being unable to rest all night Friday and feeling very uncomfortable Saturday I knew I was in trouble.  I also was having a very hard time putting thoughts together or even feeling comfortable in my skin.  This is weird to explain, but none of the normal tricks were working.  Music, a walk outside, TV and Hallmark movies were just not doing the trick.  I felt like I was watching my kids walk around me and I wasn't quite focusing in on what was going on.  After a few prayers and a lot of crying the solution came from Adam, who has spent a few hours over the past couple days gently massaging my neck and head which has allowed me to get some rest and has somehow been able to ground me in a way nothing else could.  Also, yesterday, when I was again hitting a low point, my children just gathered close and sat right next to me on the couch.  My whole body felt uncomfortable and strange, but having them close was again very grounding.  This post may not make sense to many, but I had to record the miracle I feel of having my wonderful little family around me and thank them for staying close and letting their love heal me.

Who knew jogging bald could be so refreshing!

This past week has been very long.  It took the same amount of days for me to feel better as the first treatment (6 days), but I was very impatient and kept hoping I would feel better more quickly.  But just like last time, Tuesday came and I started to feel better.  By yesterday, Wednesday, I felt great and went out for a jog.  I was running on Powerlines path, which is pretty secluded and I got so hot I took off my hat and just ran bald.  It was amazing!  I always get so hot when I exercise and being bald definitely solves that problem.  It was wonderful, but probably a little disturbing for the mothers with small children I passed.  I jog at a pretty slow pace these days so it's not like I can run by quickly and you just get a glimpse of baldness, you kind of have to see it for a while.  I turned on to Scholls Ferry which is the main road that leads to my house and I was going to put my hat back on since so many cars were passing, but then the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles,  (Vocal Point version)   Brave by Vocal Point came on my ipod and I just kept the hat off and kept running.  I have to admit I did put my hat back on when I turned into my neighborhood  - not quite that brave yet :)

Yesterday was also very fun because I attended a workshop put on by Kaiser for Cancer patients called "Look good, Feel good."  There were about ten women there and we each got a free bag of great make-up and were taught by a couple make-up experts how to apply make up during our treatment (just the basics like helping cover sickly skin tone, adding eyebrows, using eye liner to hide the fact that we may no longer have eye lashes, etc.)

It was so fun to be there and meet other women in various stages of treatment and listen to their experiences and be able to share mine.  I realize how lucky I have been so far that my side effects have not been severe and that I have the help from so many people to make my experience so far go so smoothly.  There were three women there who had already gone through the bald phase and were growing back their hair, which was fun to see although it does seem to come back white/gray.  That will be different.  I told them about shaving my head and asked them what they did about the pain I was feeling when my little bit of hair rubbed against the pillow at night or got caught on some of my knitted hats and hurt.  The general consensus was that I needed to shave the hair off to the skin and I would like it a lot better.  So, last night Adam spent about 45 min carefully shaving my head, and it does feel so much better.

This continues to be one of the strangest things I have ever experienced.  The down days feel a lot like morning sickness, with the added discomfort of a terrible metallic taste in my mouth that makes strange things like water seem revolting.  I do not like giving myself the seven shots I need each week and told Adam I was not going to do it anymore, regardless of what the doctor said.  A couple of the women at the make-up class yesterday just laughed when I told them this and told me they told their doctors the same things and the doctors just kept giving them shots anyway.  But the little blessings like the amazing relief I feel when I am no longer sick and the gratitude I feel for so many wonderful friends and family and experiences that make my life wonderful are definitely making it doable.  I cried at Andie's soccer game the other night just because I was so happy I get the experience of watching her play, and Monday when Hunter's letter came I cried because I love watching how he has grown and how he loves the people he is teaching and the work he is doing.  The range of emotions is intense and the highs are very high which counteracts the lows.   I am so grateful to the many people of all different faiths who continue to let me know you are praying for my family and me.  Your prayers are working and I feel blessed with small little miracles every day.