Thanks for Remembering Me!

I have to sneak a selfie of myself in the treatment room to document what number chemo treatment I am on - so funny angle, but does show we are making progress!  Only 65 days to go until I am done with chemo (9 treatments left)

I came home from my treatment last night to a wonderful meal prepared by a former neighbor.  After dinner a friend and her daughter stopped by to drop off beautiful and delicious sweet bread twists, and then when we got the mail there was a letter that included a hand written picture or note from each member of an amazing family that we love here in Beaverton, and a gift from a couple in Utah who know my parents and had just heard about me.  There is no way I can share all the things people have done for me and my family, so I was not even going to try because I didn't want anyone to feel left out of the thanks, but I am so overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness that keeps coming our way.  The consistency and longevity of the thoughtful gestures have made me feel so loved and remembered and I just had to say thanks.

I can so clearly remember the day I was diagnosed with cancer.  I was sitting on my bed and I was supposed to wait for the phone call telling me the results of the biopsy, but I just couldn't wait and called the oncology office.  The breast cancer navigator got on the phone and told me the news.  I remember looking up at the ceiling a saying in a silent prayer to my Heavenly Father, "Will you stay with me?"  Right then I received a very peaceful feeling, but I had no idea what "staying with me" would look like.  I now know that Heavenly Father is "staying with me" through my wonderful friends, neighbors, and family.  The fact that through this busy season you have not forgotten me and that on almost every letter, the words, "we are praying for you," appear is such a gift to me.  The past couple weeks as I have gone in for my Taxol treatment, Larry (the nurse) asks what my side effects have been that week.  I just keep telling him that I am not experiencing any side effects besides a little extra tiredness and shortness of breath.  I do not take this for granted.  I take this as a gift that is coming because of the prayers in my behalf from so many people.  Sunday, I saw a little video about the gift of Christmas that I would just like to share.  I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and receives the intangible gifts that bring joy.

He is the Gift - a short Christmas message of hope and joy :)

First Taxol Treatment Went Well!

The Saturday before my treatment I got up on the roof and put up our Christmas lights.  I felt like I was showing cancer who was boss as I was doing it.  I am not sure who I feel the character of cancer is that I was taunting in my mind while I was up on the roof, but I had a true feeling of victory while I was up there.

Tuesday, (Dec 9) was my first of twelve weekly taxol treatments.  I was pretty nervous about them because I just did not know what to expect.  Last Wednesday we had a wonderful Christmas dinner and program for the ladies in our church and the songs and thoughts people shared calmed me a little but I was still surprised how much stress I was feeling about the new treatment.  Sunday I woke up early and couldn't sleep, so I looked at the original sources a couple of the ladies had used for their thoughts.   Both spoke on the gifts offered by the Savior and how they are available to us if we just accept them.  Feelings of peace, calm, and comfort were some of the gifts mentioned and reading both talks really calmed me down.  Both of these talks were originally given by the same person and have great thoughts on Christmas and how to really enjoy the season, more than on how to handle cancer treatments so I am including the links below for anyone who needs a little quiet reminder of what the season should be all about :)

 Of Curtains, Contentment, and Christmas
The Good and Grateful Receiver

Anyway, although I felt more calm, I was still surprised at the physical reaction I had as I drove into the medical center parking lot.  I started to feel a little nauseous just parking and walking in.  We had Larry as our nurse again, which was very nice.  He is just such a calm person and remembered us from our first treatment (which could be good or bad).  Because it was a new drug we had to listen to all the possible side effects and problems that could occur, but with this drug it seems like most of the problems would occur during the administration of the drug, with very little happening once we got home.  Larry explained that I am receiving four rounds of taxol, but they have split it up into twelve treatments so each time I only receive a third of the drug and this greatly reduces the side effects.

In order to see how my body would react to the administration of the drug, they slowed it down and gave what is usually an hour long drip, in just under two hours.  They also checked my blood pressure every 15 minutes and made sure I wasn't having any chest pain, severe and sudden onset back aches, a sudden flushed face or any pain or strange sensations near my port.  Luckily none of these things occurred and we came home.  I was tired more from the stress of the day than from the drugs and just went to bed.  Yesterday I woke up and felt great.  I am not nauseous at all!  I even had some chocolate chips for breakfast just to test out how well I was feeling, and nothing happened :)

They did say that after a few weeks of the treatment I could experience a tingling sensation at my fingertips and in my toes that could progressively get worse and cause temporary nerve damage and I could also start to have deep muscle and bone aches, so that's still something to look forward to.  But, they also reassured me that this does not happen to everyone and I could be just fine.   I asked if exercise would make these things worse and Larry said it wouldn't hurt anything and could make it better, so I did yoga yesterday and jogged on the treadmill and tried to go running today which turned more into a walk because I am a little tired from yesterday, but I just feel I have to keep it up to keep the muscle pain away and the nerves intact.  Overall I just feel so happy to feel well and drink water again and not have the metal taste in my mouth that I don't think I will mind spending a few hours each week at the clinic and hopefully the "anticipation nausea" (that's what Larry called my reaction to the clinic) will go away.

Last of the first 4 rounds.

This is Adam - finally today we had the last round of the "AC" drugs.  These are rough drugs that have really knocked out Kristy for a week - this is the last time, then in 2 weeks we move to a weekly drug that makes one more tired instead of nauseous.

As her husband it is so strange - Kristy is up and active and then we get the chemo drugs ...about 1 to 2 hours later Kristy just starts to fade.  I was in sorting some clothes tonight and Kristy wandered in to try to help.  She was standing, then she was sitting on a bean bag, then she was horizontal and then starting to doze all in a 5 minute span at about 5 pm.

She had acupuncture yesterday and they switched one of the nausea drugs so I am very hopeful she will feel better than the last 3 rounds.

At this Thanksgiving time, I am thankful to be around such a wonderful friend and partner in life.  It is good to be near Kristy.  As I was doing things around the house, each of the children came in from school and checked in with her.  Kristy was tired but alert and talked with each one of them.  It is strange and wonderful how close this is pulling our family together.   Her sister and husband and their kids are coming to spend time with our kids.  Kristy will rest and be happy knowing our kids are having time with their cousins.

The Power of Good Friends (or even kind acquaintances willing to listen)

I am feeling well again, and it is a marvelous thing.  I am so grateful to the amazing women who I have come across in the past couple days who have listened, laughed, cried and most of all just let me talk and talk and talk until I got all my stories out.  I have been blessed with amazing friends.  The temple Tuesday ladies, a sister and many sisters-in-law, neighbors, sisters from church, a fabulous primary care doctor (and MA), a mother and mother-in-law and just wonderful women I have met through my kids sports teams, book club and other activities.  This past week I have had the chance to visit with many of you, some planned visits, but mostly spontaneous encounters and you have let me talk and talk and talk and get out all my frustrations and blessings and good and bad moments, and I just need to thank you.  What a gift from a loving God who is aware of my needs and is sending women my way to lift me up and give me hope.

A few really hard days

I think I have finally felt the full effects of chemo.  Up until this past week my treatments have been hard, but pretty manageable.  Suddenly, this weekend I came up against symptoms I was not prepared for.  For some reason I got a terrible headache on Friday night that would not go away.  At first I thought it was just because I had been laying down so much and had a kink in my neck, but after being unable to rest all night Friday and feeling very uncomfortable Saturday I knew I was in trouble.  I also was having a very hard time putting thoughts together or even feeling comfortable in my skin.  This is weird to explain, but none of the normal tricks were working.  Music, a walk outside, TV and Hallmark movies were just not doing the trick.  I felt like I was watching my kids walk around me and I wasn't quite focusing in on what was going on.  After a few prayers and a lot of crying the solution came from Adam, who has spent a few hours over the past couple days gently massaging my neck and head which has allowed me to get some rest and has somehow been able to ground me in a way nothing else could.  Also, yesterday, when I was again hitting a low point, my children just gathered close and sat right next to me on the couch.  My whole body felt uncomfortable and strange, but having them close was again very grounding.  This post may not make sense to many, but I had to record the miracle I feel of having my wonderful little family around me and thank them for staying close and letting their love heal me.

Who knew jogging bald could be so refreshing!

This past week has been very long.  It took the same amount of days for me to feel better as the first treatment (6 days), but I was very impatient and kept hoping I would feel better more quickly.  But just like last time, Tuesday came and I started to feel better.  By yesterday, Wednesday, I felt great and went out for a jog.  I was running on Powerlines path, which is pretty secluded and I got so hot I took off my hat and just ran bald.  It was amazing!  I always get so hot when I exercise and being bald definitely solves that problem.  It was wonderful, but probably a little disturbing for the mothers with small children I passed.  I jog at a pretty slow pace these days so it's not like I can run by quickly and you just get a glimpse of baldness, you kind of have to see it for a while.  I turned on to Scholls Ferry which is the main road that leads to my house and I was going to put my hat back on since so many cars were passing, but then the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles,  (Vocal Point version)   Brave by Vocal Point came on my ipod and I just kept the hat off and kept running.  I have to admit I did put my hat back on when I turned into my neighborhood  - not quite that brave yet :)

Yesterday was also very fun because I attended a workshop put on by Kaiser for Cancer patients called "Look good, Feel good."  There were about ten women there and we each got a free bag of great make-up and were taught by a couple make-up experts how to apply make up during our treatment (just the basics like helping cover sickly skin tone, adding eyebrows, using eye liner to hide the fact that we may no longer have eye lashes, etc.)

It was so fun to be there and meet other women in various stages of treatment and listen to their experiences and be able to share mine.  I realize how lucky I have been so far that my side effects have not been severe and that I have the help from so many people to make my experience so far go so smoothly.  There were three women there who had already gone through the bald phase and were growing back their hair, which was fun to see although it does seem to come back white/gray.  That will be different.  I told them about shaving my head and asked them what they did about the pain I was feeling when my little bit of hair rubbed against the pillow at night or got caught on some of my knitted hats and hurt.  The general consensus was that I needed to shave the hair off to the skin and I would like it a lot better.  So, last night Adam spent about 45 min carefully shaving my head, and it does feel so much better.

This continues to be one of the strangest things I have ever experienced.  The down days feel a lot like morning sickness, with the added discomfort of a terrible metallic taste in my mouth that makes strange things like water seem revolting.  I do not like giving myself the seven shots I need each week and told Adam I was not going to do it anymore, regardless of what the doctor said.  A couple of the women at the make-up class yesterday just laughed when I told them this and told me they told their doctors the same things and the doctors just kept giving them shots anyway.  But the little blessings like the amazing relief I feel when I am no longer sick and the gratitude I feel for so many wonderful friends and family and experiences that make my life wonderful are definitely making it doable.  I cried at Andie's soccer game the other night just because I was so happy I get the experience of watching her play, and Monday when Hunter's letter came I cried because I love watching how he has grown and how he loves the people he is teaching and the work he is doing.  The range of emotions is intense and the highs are very high which counteracts the lows.   I am so grateful to the many people of all different faiths who continue to let me know you are praying for my family and me.  Your prayers are working and I feel blessed with small little miracles every day.

I shaved my head today!

I cannot believe I got up the nerve to do it, but I just shaved my head and I am feeling a lot better about my entire hair loss situation.  Last night Andie and I gently pulled out quite a bit of hair and I thought I would just let the rest fall out naturally.  However, when I woke up this morning more hair had fallen out in the night and I had huge bald spots mixed with wisps.  Seriously the most strange and unattractive combination you can imagine.  I put a hat on, but just could not get over how terrible it looked.  Finally, I just decided it should all come off and I just got out our electric clippers and started shaving.  I am actually glad no one was here with me because it took quite a few times going back and forth to get it even and it got a lot worse before it got better.  Not to say that bald is a look I think anyone should see on me, but it just made me feel a lot better.  Plus, it was just a perk to do something that I would normally never do.

This is Adam - I love this picture and I asked Kristy if I could post it.  I am amazed how beautiful  Kristy looks.

A good day to wear "I am strong socks"

I am happy to have my "I am strong" socks to wear today, because I think today is going to be my last day with hair and it is a very unique and strange feeling.  I have not been feeling well today, but I have been able to sleep and read on the couch all day, so it hasn't been too bad.  My head has had a very tingly sensation all over and every time I reach up and pull on my hair a tuft of hair will just come right out.  Because I have just been laying here reading, it has seemed more fascinating than disturbing.  Then this afternoon I washed my hair and so much hair fell out, the scale definitely tipped to disturbing.  I don't have any bald spots yet, but it is very thin.  Peter and I made a little video of what is happening, it's just so weird I had to document it.

Chemo Round #2

Well I just finished round #2, and I am feeling pretty good.  They give me an anti-anxiety medication along with the anti-nauseous medications about 30 min before they give the chemo drugs and I would definitely say they are working.  I am just sitting here at home feeling a little tired, but other than that I feel relaxed and fine.  I am very happy to have the anti-anxiety meds today because this morning my hair started to fall out.  When I towel dried my hair this morning (which is surprisingly fun to do with short hair) there were about 20 strands in the towel when I was finished.  Before today I haven't noticed any strands.  Then when I grabbed some hair to straighten it, a little tuft of hair just came right out in my fingers.  This is a strange and somewhat fascinating thing to anticipate experiencing.  If this round is anything like last time, I expect to be taking it easy for the next three or four days, but hopefully feeling better by the weekend.

A Very Good Day

Yesterday was such a great day.  It was the first day since my chemo treatment last Tuesday that I did not need to take any medication for nauseousness.  Also, my parents were in town visiting and since I was feeling pretty good we went on a beautiful walk at Cooper Mountain Nature park, which is the first time I have exercised since chemo and it felt wonderful!  Then since I was still feeling good we went to breakfast at my new favorite place, La Provence.

We came home and there was a letter from Hunter with this shout out -

and then, to top the whole day off, Andie's high school soccer team surprised me after their game last night with a beautiful and wonderfully warm fleece blanket and card that made me smile.

Love this card from the SRHS soccer team

They even gave a blanket to Andie since she will be experiencing the cancer journey along with me.  We are again amazed at the support and love we are feeling from the whole community.

Today was another good day.  I had to go in for a blood draw accessing my port for the first time and it went very smoothly.  I love my nurse, Wendy, who said I can come to her for all port needs.  Then we stopped by Heritage Farms for the biggest most delicious honey crisp apples I have had.  I think I may become obsessed with both food and hair after this experience.  I had a pack of M&Ms today and thought I was in heaven (first chocolate since chemo).

Thanks Mom and Dad for all the pampering, love and support!  We love you :)

Some things to Love

This has been a very strange few days.  I have taken it very easy, stuck to my strict diet and medication guidelines and felt alright, if not totally myself.  I found that going to two soccer games in a row was a little too much, but it was still worth it to see Peter and Andie play.  I have found a few things that I love though, so I thought I should write them down.

I love that Kate spontaneously told me yesterday that she thinks my short hair makes me look younger

I love this note Andie left on my scriptures to remind me to not be stressed about how I look

I love all the fresh flowers that have been in our home for the past month thanks to good friends

I love walking out on my front porch everyday and seeing the wonderful decorating surprise my friends left me while I was at church

I love that my brother Steven got my whole family to dress up in pink to show their support.  I have felt so much love from both sides of our family. I am overwhelmed by their generosity and kindness.

 

I love that I am married to Adam and that I am being reminded daily of what an amazing, loving, supportive husband he is.

And lastly, I love that when this experience is over, I will be better at serving others because of the wonderful example I have had from so many of you serving me.

Chemo - Day 1

Chemo - Day 1

Today was actually a very fun but very long day.  It began with a haircut.  We had been told by our oncologist that I would start losing my hair shortly after chemo started, with all of it falling out right around my second treatment.  Therefore Adam planned a wonderful surprise and scheduled me a haircut. I was not sure about spending money on a cut that would only last for a couple weeks, but he had personally gone in and met the man who cuts my hair and made the appointment and was excited for me to have a cute haircut before it started to fall out (we have also been told that it actually hurts when it falls out, like someone is pulling your hair, and that having shorter hair makes this a little easier).  He told me about this surprise a couple weeks ago and I thought it was so nice of him to arrange it for me regardless of the cost and thought it would be a very fun way to celebrate the start of chemo.  The sad thing is I honestly do not like my haircut.  It's a great cut but I think it looks terrible on me.  I am not fishing for compliments, believe me - I just do not like it.  However, after the haircut Adam had a pedicure and manicure scheduled and it's hard to think about how much you do not like your hair when someone is giving you a foot massage and painting your nails a beautiful bright pink.  We then went to lunch at a wonderful little Japanese restaurant in Portland and everything was going great.  We checked in, they educated us for a couple hours about the terrible things that could happen with the drugs and then the pharmacist said with the chemo I am getting, hair loss is a given, but some people do not lose their hair for a few weeks.  Right after that, I made the mistake of going into the restroom and looking in the mirror at my hair.  With all the other stress that was going on my hair was the last straw.  I came out and I was so mad I had cut my hair I could not hold it in.  Our wonderful, caring nurse (Larry) was ready to start administering the first drug which he has to do by syringe, very slowly, and I chose that moment to turn to Adam and blame him that I have terrible hair.  Adam assured me that it was not bad and that he liked it, but I could not let it go.  You know how in your mind you know you should stop talking, but you just can't, well that was happening to me.  All the stress I was feeling about the horrible side effects that would possibly be starting in the next 30 minutes just came out over my hair.  It wasn't a big loud blow-up, just a few frustrated words like "if I do not go bald within the next two weeks, I am going to be so mad at you,"  and other nonsense which made Larry very uncomfortable.  I calmed down after a minute and Adam left for some fresh air and Larry quietly said, "I think your hair looks good."  That got me going again.  I actually pulled out my phone and showed him how my hair used to look.  It wasn't even that great of a picture, but suddenly my old long hair was perfect to me.  Then he's just sitting there with the drugs, probably wondering if he should start or what he should do and I told him I was fine and we could go ahead.

In all fairness to me, the stress was a little much at that point.  Basically they told me that when the first drug is administered  some people feel a burning sensation, or taste it and it makes them sick, and the second drug (which was a 30 min IV drip) could cause a sinus-like headache that would come on very suddenly and would be accompanied by severe nasal drip, a feeling of being very overheated along with heavy sweating, or severe pain in my back - all of which I should hit the "call" button for immediately so a nurse could come and stop the drug, flush out my system with saline until the symptoms went away and then try again.  Also, the pharmacist gave me seven syringes and informed me that I would be giving myself a shot every day for the next seven days to help my immune system, but that if my immune system is healthy, it would cause severe pain in my large bones and head, but I should just note it down if it happens, take some tylenol, and they will have me give myself fewer shots next time.  Halleluiah for diabetes, if I wasn't used to Andie having shots I would have been even more freaked out.

my shots for the next seven days

The good news is that none of the bad reactions happened.  I finished both treatments and felt fine.  I asked Larry if I should just go home and wait for something to happen and he said yes.  So here we are.  My kids were wonderful about my hair, it was fun telling them the whole story and two cute hats that I ordered came in the mail today.  I am wearing some wonderful "Life is Good" pajamas and eating mashed potatoes - life is good :)  I love having a husband who lets me get angry and does not take it personally and I think Larry and I could become very good friends.

The rest of my meds which will hopefully keep the side effects under control

4:30 a.m.

Well I just woke up and can't go back to sleep, so I figured this is a good time to start my blog.  I keep putting it off because I can't really get the design part figured out, but I figure that can come later.

Yesterday I had my port put in.  I was very surprised by what this actually looked like and how long it took to have the procedure done.  Basically they put a piece of plastic with a rubbery top right inside my skin and they will put the needle through my skin every time they need to take blood or give chemo.  I was thinking the port was going to eliminate the need to put a needle through my skin, but I guess not.

Here is a picture of what it looks like.  It is about 1/2 an inch long and I think it is plastic.  The top circle is rubbery and has three little raised knobs which can be felt through my skin and give the nurse a guide know where to put the needle. A tube is attached to the port which has been threaded right into my vein.  Because they are starting chemo today they put the needle inside and left it there covered with tape and gauze so I am ready to go.  Here is a picture of the current set up.

Sleeping with this set up is a little strange which is why I am awake at 4:30 a.m.  I feel a little nervous about today, but I am definitely ready to get started.  It will feel better to see how I react to chemo and figure out how to take care of it, rather than just keep reading or hearing about all the possible side effects and wonder which ones I will have.